I'm not sure what the appropriate comment to make here is. I did read all the way through this, and honestly, I don't have an interest in BDSM beyond the playful crap you can purchase online in kits.

I have seen people express interest in yours and Sabrina's relationship on here before and often times to me it seems like it is not a genuine interest in developing something similar in their own lives so much as an attempt to appear "kinky" to other JUs and to impress you and/or Sabrina.

I've no doubt your for real and probably in ways that would make me very uncomfortable.

Did I tell ya Lucas emailed me about 6 months ago, asserting that he and g/f were interested in exploring BDSM and asking for 'pointers?' (i shit you not.)

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I about pissed my pants laughing.  Then, I gagged and retched and about threw up at the thought of Lucas and his hefty finance-ee bumping uglies (I'm trying desperately to NOT associate BDSM with those two.  Unsuccessfully).

I don't mind being asked by sincerely interested parties, (and in fact I owe one such party an email at the moment,i just can't seem to get started on it) but sheesh, Lucas knows i detest him--and i don't think he's ever been sincere about a thing in his life

He was trying to kiss your ass.  It'd be like him emailing me and asking me to teach him how to knit. 

The only useful thing I could have him do with a pair of needles wouldn't include socks or a sweater - matter of fact, it wouldn't include yarn at all.

The more I learn about the two of you, the more respect I have for the both of you.

Be careful what you awaken, lest you be unable to make it sleep again.

Thank you for the advice, and I will be careful.  I know that there's a part of me that.....well, that would shock most people if they knew what it was about.  Fuck, it shocks me sometimes.  I'm also aware that it's a part of me that, once awakened, would be very difficult to (as you said) put back to sleep again.  I'm not prepared to awaken it - and when I say prepared I mean it in the literal sense of the word.  I'm not ready, and I don't know if I'll ever be ready. So, I leave it alone. 

As I said to your wife, the more I learn about you, the more respect I have for the both of you.  You are both living a life of honesty; you're being true to yourselves.  That's a rare thing, I think. 

Thank you for the advice, and I will be careful. I know that there's a part of me that.....well, that would shock most people if they knew what it was about. Fuck, it shocks me sometimes. I'm also aware that it's a part of me that, once awakened, would be very difficult to (as you said) put back to sleep again. I'm not prepared to awaken it - and when I say prepared I mean it in the literal sense of the word. I'm not ready, and I don't know if I'll ever be ready. So, I leave it alone.

Actually, the truth is more like this. Should it ever truly wake, it will wake. But there's nothing at all to say it will and you're right (in your circumstances) not to play with fire. And thank you for saying nice things about us.

I've no doubt your for real and probably in ways that would make me very uncomfortable.

I'm a perfectly charming monster. And were we ever to meet, I promise you there wouldn't be a scalpel or ballgag or whip anywhere to be seen. Not even fluffy ones. Besides, Sabrina would be unhappy if I tortured you, even a little bit. So fret not.

Interesting article. I'm not at all into the whole BDSM thing but don't hold any sort of judgments about those who are. Frankly I feel it's none of my business one way or the other.

I've been with women who were aggressive and those who expected me to be so, it's all good. Whatever floats your boat.

At the heart of this I see a discussion of the levels of self-awareness. And I don't mean average Joe's idea of what "self-awareness" means - which usually has to do with what we're thinking and doing, and being aware that we are thinking or doing it, but a Total Awareness of onesself. Who AM I really - physically and mentally?

There are other ways to get this. Have an operation where your chest cavity has to be opened, and do it without anasthesia. Then when the doctor is pushing one of your lungs aside to start carving on your heart, sit up and look over the towel. That oughta do the trick. You'll see really quickly, if you don't already, what EoI means when we he says "We're meat."

Total Awareness is something that most people spend a lot of time, consciously and unconsciously, avoiding. Why? Because it's fucking painful. So painful I certainly haven't come anywhere close to Total Awareness. I don't have the balls for it. My hand is in the air - I am guilty as charged.

So it doesn't suprise me that simulating threat of death would bring one to that place. And the more you make them believe it, the more they walk right to the edge of their own mortality and stare it down, and...there's some genuine self-awareness sitting right there waiting. I imagine people that see battle experience similar things.

Sorry for the digression, but these thoughts came to mind

Probably a poor choice of words on my part. I really need to think more. By 'simulated,' I was giving Simon the benfit of the doubt that he didn't sincerely intend to kill. (If he did, that's a different blog )

He won't. "There'll Never be Another You" as the song goes. And though that song was a bit more flowery and doesn't include whips and whatever, love is love, and when you find it, killing it is the last thing that will happen But see, there I go applying logic again. Hope I didn't ruin anything for you...hahahaha.

Hugs,
Ock

Passion doesn't think. You can think about passion, but there is no thought during it. Which is why you disappear, only to reappear as you. Which is why, before engaging in blood sports or breath play, or any of the innumerable BDSM practices that are potentially life-threatening, you have to know yourself; know what you're capable of, and in considerable depth.

Which is why the net, in the form of a particular chat client known as VP (Virtual Places) was invaluable to me. It became a theatre of dreams in which it was possible to be anyone and anything, and to do unto others exactly as they, and you, wished to do. This is in the days before the net was just another Mall, of course. As it's developed it's become more and more a part of everyday life. It remains useful to me as a reference and research tool - but it's no longer in any sense what it once was, and is much the worse for it.

If I want to see ads for viagra all I have to do is turn the TV on.

But in the days before scanners were universal, before webcams had even been heard of, when VOIP wasn't even a gleam in a geek's eye, when all you had was your imagination and a keyboard, people were able to live intensely secret alternate lives that allowed them to express the deepest and most hidden parts of themselves in ways which were without real-time consequences. No threat of disease, of scandal, of real-time violence.

That in itself was a tremendous asset to someone bent on exploring forms of sexuality that terrified him because the desire to experience them was so utterly over-powering. I spent years online exploring what I am because I knew that if I once let it loose in my actual life it would consume me and everything around me. But online it was contained, separate: safe. And because it was safe to do whatever I wanted in a purely virtual world without the constraints of the actual world to limit action, I tortured, raped and murdered my way around the various BDSM chatrooms of VP - and became, for the first time in my life, popular. I was notorious for the detailed grotesqueries of the online scenes I constructed - and I had no lack of willing partners.

It's irrelevant, the question of whether my partners were of the sex they presented themselves as, whether anything they told me was in any way 'true'. It was all true, no matter how 'false', because each experience was a shared imaginative reality. What we did (and I won't regale you with the details), I and those people, we actually did, in the worlds that we constructed.

Such things are impossible now, because 'truth' and 'reality' infest the net like a disease. If I weren't as lazy as I am, I'd invest in a decent Encyclopedia and never look at Google again - just to spite the clever bastards who invented it and make a profit off my interest every time I use the damnable thing.

Onward, through the fog...

What I realised, in consequence of my many virtual lives (I spent two or three years as an online 'lesbian', because I wanted to see if I could successfully infilitrate that online community and be accepted by it) is that I am either possessed of, or possessed by, desires of an absolute fury that in themselves are without limit. What rouses my hunger, I hunger for absolutely. And since these desires know no limit in themselves, and since there is no one but myself to impose a limit upon them, I developed (at first without any understanding of it) an ability that is absolutely crucial to anyone who wants the things I want. The ability to seperate out some tiny, some miniscule, fraction of my consciousness and set it as a kind of watchdog over myself.

When it barks I listen - because it only ever barks when I'm in such a frenzy that if I were to take what I am doing at that moment any further - then everything else I value (such as liberty) falls under serious threat of loss. You can't restrict the flow of blood to someone's brain and be incapable of self-control. If you are, your partner will die. For those instants, your partner's life is, literally, in your hands.

I was born in the wrong era. I should have been an early Medieval Prince, with power of life and death over my serfs and none but God to answer to. Had that been so, rather than my being born into this misbegotten age of knowledge without wisdom, competence without power, religion without spirit; into a world entirely demystified in which 'magic' is nothing more than crass and contemptible conjuring, then my name would be legendary now.

Trust me. You'd still be frightening your children with it.