"If it's provable we can kill it."
Or, smoking cigars is like sucking dick - it takes practice to get it right
Published on December 22, 2006 By EmperorofIceCream In Misc
I watch those TV shows about wine, occasionally. I watch them because I take a perverse pleasure in how much I hate the wine-babble of the people involved in them. I felt the same way about cigar aficionados - until tonight. Wine-speak I still despise, but no longer praises sung to the divine Cigar.

My wife, bless her black little heart and her chromed-steel eyes, likes to give - and not just on Christmas Day. All this month she's been presenting me with presents because for her Christmas covers the season, not just the day. She's one of those people, who in my experience are terribly rare, who actually finds greater pleasure in the giving of gifts than in the receiving of them. And she likes to stretch her pleasure out over the entire month.

Two nights ago, UPS brought me another of these presents, one she'd told me about. A selection box of five cigars. Five good cigars. And by 'good' I don't just mean expensive. Good in the sense that I've been impressed by the degree of pleasure I've experienced in smoking the two I've already consumed and the one I'm smoking now, as I type. This one I'm smoking now is the most impressive so far, a Ricco Patel. The first two were substantial and satisfying - but this is just dandy.

Apart from the outermost skin of leaves, which is very delicate and easily damaged, it's an extremely solid, densely packed and hard to light cigar - but once it is lit it burns very steadily and hotly. The ash is a thin skin over a live coal, not in the least fluffy or light.

For all the heat and density of the coal there is nothing overheated or coarse in the smoke itself, which is very pleasantly cool. The chemistry of a cigar is complex, involving over three thousand compounds, and the taste, the quality, of a cigar is a result of the combination of all of them in the specific proportions present. I've no idea what some cigar expert might find to taste in the one I'm smoking now, but what I experience is the kind of wood smoke you only find in an English Autumn (Fall, to you American heathens), and the taste of Black Treacle (which is nothing like molasses, though molasses is it's nearest American equivalent).

It's also giving me a significant nicotine buzz.

The one I smoked first was impressive, in part because it was, really, my first good cigar - and you never forget your first. The other two I've subsequently smoked have each been more impressive than the one that went before it. I hope that the two remaining continue the trend. This one has gone particularly well with a bottle of Jamaican Red Stripe lager, and a shot of Old Smuggler whiskey.

Why, if I ruled the world, would smoking good cigars be mandatory? Because if everyone took the time to smoke a serious cigar seriously, and to enjoy the simple physicality of its pleasures, they'd have an opportunity to realise the insignificance of everything else.

Cigars (and beer) are God's way of telling us that He loves us and wants us to be happy.

Thank you, Sabrina, for introducing me to one more Champagne-item that I'm going to force our Beer-budget to run to.

Comments
on Dec 22, 2006
. appearance dot

grrrrrrrr where's the edit button gone?
on Dec 22, 2006
What a neat gift. (and a cool description of the experience)

Adrian says they all smoke cigars after working a casualty.
on Dec 22, 2006
I agree, emp. And I am, as a rule a non smoker.

But a few years ago, I got my hands on some Cubans. I reserved them for special occasions, but it was quite nice to light up once in awhile and ENJOY the cigar.

I personally believe the health problems come from OVER indulgence.
on Dec 22, 2006
Oh yes, every town should have a shop where you can buy a good cigar. The only problem is finding the time to really enjoy it as you seem to be doing.
on Dec 22, 2006
There are few things that compare with a fine cigar.
on Dec 22, 2006
My first experience wuth a cigar occurred when I was about 10. i stole one of my dad's. My father was a snob: he would, for instance, sit in public to read the Times newspaper, but then he'd peek over the top to see who might be watching him read the Times. He was the same way about alcohol, and his smokes.

Naturally, he bought the largest and most expensive cigars he could find. And the one I stole was a mighty beast of a thing. I got the most serious nicotine buzz of my life in the first couple of hits, turned a chalky-greenish sort of color, and promptly threw up. I was attempting to disguise the situation when I was discovered by my mother and forced to confess my heinous crime. I was immediately threatened by the phrase every child dreads to hear: "Just wait till I tell your father."

On hearing of my offence he laughed like a drain and said the experience itself was punishment enough, and that I'd never smoke another cigar so long as I lived. In that, as in many other things, he couldn't have been more wrong.

Interestingly, that was the year I got drunk for the first time as well, sampling the Xmas liqor while my parents were next door, attending a party. Hosted by the never-to-be-forgotten Lulu, the Cypriot woman with breasts the size of water-melons and a fondness for eating fried chicken skin, with whom my father subsequently had an affair.
on Dec 22, 2006
Hosted by the never-to-be-forgotten Lulu, the Cypriot woman with breasts the size of water-melons and a fondness for eating fried chicken skin, with whom my father subsequently had an affair.There's a cheesy novel in there somewhere.


I know! ! I"m laughing at the description! It's funny I was thinking the very same thing! Oh the stories you could tell Simon!


I don't smoke, and I so want my hubby to quit, but your description makes me want to!eheh


You're a lucky man with a wife like Sabrina!
on Dec 23, 2006
To: foreverserenity

You're a lucky man with a wife like Sabrina!


Be careful... you'll incite her to do something scandalous so no one has an inkling as to what she's really like. She has a reputation to live down to, you know.

But you're right. I am lucky (except luck had nothing to do with it, and I know what you mean).

I don't smoke, and I so want my hubby to quit, but your description makes me want to!eheh


To paraphrase someone else... a marriage is only a marriage - but a good Cigar is a Smoke. As I said, if I ruled the world smoking would be compulsory so my sympathies are all with your husband (I too once lived with a non-smoking wife while being a smoker myself, so I know what that's like).

I have decided that the Xmas (or as I'm starting to prefer, Yule) Box of Cigars is now an established McMullen family tradition - one to take the place of the burning of the Yule Log, since we don't have a fireplace (yet - we will have one some day). Each box will have five cigars. Just as with this first set, I shall keep each of the little paper 'rings' that fitted around each cigar along with the box they came in, and after smoking each set I shall 'retire' the boxes, with their paper rings and cigar cutter. And (here's a thought) if I can overcome my inherent laziness, I might include a few notes of memorable things associated with that year, and make a collection of personal 'time capsules'.

I'm smoking the last of this first five as I type, a Monte Cristo. Last night's was a 5 Vegas. That was a heavy, dense, intense smoke, hotter than the others. A little like pepper, it stung the tongue. The Monte Cristo is mellower, lighter, cooler; but it also had pungency and bite. Whereas the 5 Vegas filled the mouth and throat and was much thicker and fatter (I told you - smoking a good cigar is like sucking dick - and I'm happy to say I've now done both so I should know) the Monte Cristo is much lighter and more aromatic. I could babble about the varieties of discernible flavors in both, just like the wine-freaks do, but I'm trying to avoid sounding as they do.

I enjoy wines, particularly South African reds, but the attempt to turn enjoying wine into some sort of art, or worse yet a kind of aesthetic 'science', I find annoying to the point where for years I wouldn't drink wine because I didn't want to be associated with that kind of nonsense.

I'd hate to fall victim to the same kind of self-indulgent pretension in relation to what is, after all, only a cigar.

The Ricco Patel is still my favorite so far.

(miss You! ~smooche~)


I miss you too, and the dogs think you live in the telephone now, so come home V^^^^^^^V bites

on Dec 23, 2006
Just as with this first set, I shall keep each of the little paper 'rings' that fitted around each cigar along with the box they came in, and after smoking each set I shall 'retire' the boxes, with their paper rings and cigar cutter. And (here's a thought) if I can overcome my inherent laziness, I might include a few notes of memorable things associated with that year, and make a collection of personal 'time capsules'.


That's a great idea!


told you - smoking a good cigar is like sucking dick - and I'm happy to say I've now done both so I should know)


but the attempt to turn enjoying wine into some sort of art, or worse yet a kind of aesthetic 'science'


Yep to the first, and I agree to the second! I like wines too but am not a connosieur. (spell?)
on Dec 23, 2006
What do you say to a Cohiba in the bath with a gorgeous slug of Glenlivet single malt?
Pure excessive indulgence!
on Dec 23, 2006
To: adnauseam

I'd substitute Laphroig for the Glenlivet (or, if I wanted to pander to the Irish in me, a shot of Jamesons). As to the Cohiba... I've never had one, but I'm willing to try. But what do I say to the nature of the suggestion?

Oh hell yeah.